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June 3, 2010

The Addiction..



Last night I made love to my first barefaced signs of addiction. 
With shaky hands I reached out into the darkness – where the hell is my pack of 20 ephemeral celebrations..?
Ah..there you are.
The lighter clicks and the lungs get a sting…and then –ecstasy!

It’s funny how the words ‘want’ and ‘need’ take a whole new meaning….a meaning not so innocent..
I laugh as I picture these words, in their new-found grandeur, bully the naïve and adolescent versions of themselves….the versions we learnt in school…

Its funny how we have everything planned out….behind all those expensive clothes and slick awesome hair… 

It’s funny how we end up coming face to face with everything we always wanted and the naked chance of losing it all in a blink of an eye…

It’s like window shopping and finding something you love and when you come back to buy it, it’s gone!

That very moment right there….when you are at the edge of the cliff…. And you have jumped off….Too conceited to contemplate on the outside….too frightened to search for the answers inside….

What if this isn’t meant to be? What if the habit isn’t the answer to everything..?? Would we risk everything on that possibility..?

Acknowledging the habit doesn’t come with ease…It’s like hearing the name of a person whose funeral you just attended a few days back..There is a new heaviness in the mind…in the heart..

Now, the part comes when you finally give in…Honestly, it’s quite overrated.. Once that step is taken the lines between reality and transcendence begins to blur… A terrifying, yet dreamlike surreal blur..

It’s like being in a battleground….your head going against your heart…and the habit as the referee… But you’ve already jumped….We are all in this together….yet, we’re alone…

But it’s too late now….You jumped off….
There will be blood….
That’s the price we pay----innocent blood..
Actually, not so innocent after all..

Now, pardon me while I light another…

12 Mississippi:

A. K. said...

Cigarettes just hate em but cant live without em... Its painful pleasure.

Love this post.

Pavitra .... said...

@ A.K:
Cigarettes...hate them and will never try them :)
But I do know many people who are addicted....
Anyways, thank you so much :)
Cheers!

Arv said...

Its a Bad habit that deceivingly appears sweet when we are young :)

Pavitra .... said...

@ Arv:
Yes it is...But it never appeared as sweet to me...It has always been evil...

guyofthe90s said...

ah ! a topic quite close to me...once again, you manage to convey too much in too little...it sounded scary too :)

i liked your lines on need and want...tht is why, a word called addiction was created...to convey a need that is beyond oneself, bordering on the verge of insanity...

as a smoker, i can appreciate the meaning, understand the tipping point you mentioned, but wont it lead to escalation of commitment, if it is indeed a point of no return ? :)

Pavitra .... said...

@ guyofthe90s:
Thank you so much...
Honestly....I've observed many people who are smokers....I've seen horrible ones who want a smoke every 1 hour...and its terrible...I guess thats why I came up with this post...I tried to read their minds..tried to understand how they felt...and why they felt it...

And honestly....this isn't a commitment worth showing....there are many ways where such commitment can be shown...and according to me...smoking ain't one of them,...

Splurgerina said...

Agree with you about it being evil and once you succumb to the evil it's hard to turn back! I'm glad I never got into it..never! And also made my bf quit who was a heavy smoker and used to say "no one can ever make me quit," with pride before he dated me!;)

Love the way you write btw!

Pavitra .... said...

@ Splurgerina:
Thank you so much dear...And I agree its very difficult to come out of it....
Thats nice to hear that your bf quit...I'm really happy for you...

Harsha said...

nice post.. each time i read ur blog, ur writing doesn't stop me from being amazed.. never heard of such thinking from a non-smoker.. loved the play with want and need.. but i must say that there is lot more than that meets the eye when it comes to smoking.. not in a good way though.. seems unnaturally natural to be addicted.. i dnt knw if i am making sense at all.. :)

Pavitra .... said...

@ Harsha:
Thank you so much...Yes, its true...I've seen many people go down coz of it....and its not nice to watch them destroy their lives...and there is a lot more than meets the eye...thanks again...keep visiting :)

suruchi said...

Hi Pavitra...
You do this so well...get us into a mind churn...make us go round n round n force to contemplate our own premise...
I smiled naughtily at the idea of want n need taking a whole new n not so innocent meaning!
I smiled wryly at the thought of going window shopping n returning to find the article u loved...gone!

Even when we do acknowledge the habit that we are addicted...
The redemption is a greater battle!
So true!

Pavitra .... said...

@ Suruchi:
Thank you very much dear...
Yes it is true...Acknowledging the habit is difficult....stopping it even more tedious...
Redemption is the bigger battle...and very few emerge victorious...