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April 12, 2010


It was a late afternoon in 2006..I left my house to call you…

I really missed you…I love talking to you…

Why am I like this..? 
Why do I startle everyone…? 
Why do I offend ladies..?? 
Why do I alarm children…? 
Why do dogs bark at me whenever I pass by them..??

Why does everyone say that you do not exist….that you were never there…?

They tied me to a chair….poured cold water on my head….passed electricity through me…..

till I begged them to stop….
till I told them that you never existed…
till I promised to believe in their lies….

Why did they tell me that you haunted my mind….that you made my life miserable..?  You were the only one who gave my mind some stability…

When I came home, I saw the scarred reality that my life actually is. Why did your mending seem so fictional to them??

Without you, I don’t feel like myself. I feel worse than a cheap copy of myself.
So, I realized, if you can’t beat them, join them!
I put up an act, which worked better than I expected!

Now I tell everyone that you were just a fragment of my mind, I lie.

Now, I never look at myself in the mirror, our uncanny resemblance worries me. But I tell them I’m vain, I lie.

Now I am different to others. I make friends with little children. I smile at the women on the streets. I feed the dogs and pet them.  I am not me anymore.

I’m an illusion. But I wait for your calls though. I still believe in you, brother.  I still see you in my family photographs.

Waiting for you to show up some day, has made me a very light sleeper.

When you are here, I don’t pretend.
When you are here, my smile is genuine.
When you are here, reality finally starts feeling like reality again.

But they…..they will never perceive you like I do..
They will never understand… they won’t…

10 Mississippi:

viddhi said...

so soo beautiful it is ...amazing ... !! :)

Carrie said...

Intense statement on changes and emptiness.

Harini said...

lovely :)

Pooja Mahimkar said...

i loved this post.

Pavitra .... said...

@ Viddhi:
Thank you so soo very much :) ;)

@ Carrie:
Thank you very much!!

@ Harini:
Thanks a ton dear...

@ Pooja:
Thanks! Glad you loved it..

Carl said...

I didnt get it... but then again nobody gets schizos anyways... : )

Tripat "Prerna" said...

i loved your thoughts and way of expressing :)

Pavitra .... said...

@ Carl:
My character here believes that he has a twin brother (his only remaining family)....and the world is hell-bent on making his life miserable by telling him that he doesn't...
Yeah...nobody can ever understand the mind of a schizo....

@ Prerna:
Thankyou so much!!

Okie said...

Great writing. Very intense, emotionally stirring and thought provoking. Thanks for sharing.

Pavitra .... said...

@ Okie:
thank you very much....Glad you liked it...keep visiting!!